Traveling gives me a lot of time to pursue my own interests and think on a deeper level. It is sort of a pity that you can never really be ‘knowledgeable’, that there’s always so much more to learn on just about anything. And even then, there’s so much information out there. Although technology gives us such easy access to it today, it is still a skill to be able to sort and make sense of all this information.
It’s good to find meaning. A purpose that you can dedicate yourself to. Simultaneously, it’s so easy to get side-tracked. Instant gratification. Living without a care in the world. Spending your days just consuming rather than contributing. And all of it is so tempting; it’s easy to prioritize the now over the future. Of course, it’s the long term projects that produce progress. Yet it’s difficult to start a project when you have little sense of where the end might be.
Part of me is still not sure what to do in the future. I have multiple options to choose from such as operations management, database management, economist, or consulting… but it doesn’t sound that appetizing. Sure, the pay is high and I find them ‘fun’, but not a scale that I’d want to do for the rest of my life. Or rather, I don’t see it as being something that would bring me fulfillment.
It doesn’t sound much better than being a shopkeeper. Two days ago, I was staying in the town of Fatima, Portugal. Being a town that bases itself on religious tourism, many of the stores simply sell religious articles. Can you imagine spending day in and out tending to the store, seeing the same tourists, and selling the same things everyday? Cause I really can’t. It feels like your wasting your days away, even though they do so because they need to make a living. Yet, it also seems like they are simply dragging on their expiration dates.
It’s such a limitation, but then again, every individual is given a social standing the minute he or she is born. Luck plays a huge role in what you’ll get in life. To simply be born in the Western world is already a blessing. Imagine being born in Sub-Saharan Africa, living to only see the age of five or six.
For a while, I had a bunch of ‘idealistic and optimistic’ goals in life, but they kinda faded once I realized how gritty most of reality is. Passing by the downtown district of Milan is a harsh contrast with the ghettoes of the outer suburbs. To know that many people remain poor because they aren’t given an opportunity to get out of it. Living in the United States really gives you a skewered perceptive of the world; you never know how good you have it till you leave the country. Even the majority of the poor in the United States have it so much better when you compare them to poor of other countries.
Over time I’ve lost a certain sense of purpose. I’m not really sure what I want to actually achieve. I mean my sail is currently set towards: do well academically, get a high-paying white collar job, “American dream.” But as I’ve said it doesn’t sound that fulfilling. I’ve been feeling borderline nihilistic at times, despite a good pinch of optimism.
I guess part of me has always wanted to be remembered after I pass on, like have a statue erected of me for doing some heroic deed or creating something useful, but it’s difficult to know where to start with that sort of thing. Whereas your typical 9 to 5 job, you slave away, make some bank, retire one day, and simply become forgotten.
I don’t know if I even expressed my thoughts out cohesively here, but they’re just ‘drafts’ of ideas. And although this post might sound a bit depressing, it does not mean my spirituality has been low as well. I think it’s cause I’ve too easily had things handed to me. Most ‘unique’ experiences seem rather bland to me now, so I just need some inspiration, new ideas, and a new direction. Perhaps then, I’ll find a new purpose that gives me ‘fulfillment’.
